Some individuals are fanatics of the Los Angeles Rams. However many, many extra individuals are NOT fanatics of the Los Angeles Rams. This 2024 Defector NFL crew preview is for the ones within the latter staff. Learn all of the previews to this point right here.
Your crew: Los Angeles Rams.
Fucking Taylor Swift-ass agenda announcement.
Your 2023 report: 10-7. Nonetheless hungover from fucking and sucking all the ones selections two years in the past, the 2023 Rams were given off to a 3-6 get started. The type of uninspiring stretch that had far away observers like me hoping their head trainer would give up at the spot in November to change into the everlasting 3rd wheel of the Manningcast. In that first part of the season, the Rams have been crushed via a hobbled Joe Burrow, couldn’t muster a rating in the second one part towards Philly, blew a 17-10 result in the vaunted offensive braintrust of Matt Canada and Kenny Pickett, controlled a unmarried box purpose all recreation lengthy in Inexperienced Bay, and were given boatraced via Dak Prescott and the Cowboys.
Oh, and their sunk value of a QB threw 8 TDs and 7 selections thru that complete stretch. Carson Wentz would quickly sign up for the festivities, which is one thing you by no means need going down. To signal Carson Wentz is to wave a perfect, royal white flag top within the air. It’s a message to the sector that profitable soccer video games is not of any hobby to you.
However then the bye week got here, and then the Rams went on a 7-1 run that was once inspiring to participants of the Kroenke circle of relatives and nobody else. There are some strings hooked up to that rally. Wouldn’t be a Kroenke affair if there weren’t. The one playoff crew the Rams beat in that extend (discounting a last week victory towards a 49ers crew that had not anything to play for) was once Cleveland, which kinda doesn’t depend. They simply beat the Seahawks and Giants as a result of the ones groups’ kickers each and every biffed a game-winning box purpose on the finish. They usually nonetheless had the worst particular groups in all the league, which defined their lone defeat within the again part.
Fuck me, that was once cool. Anyway, since the NFC is set as aggressive as a Russian election, the Rams’ overdue surge was once sufficient for a playoff spot and a commute to Detroit for the Spiderman Meme Bowl. Lions QB Jared Goff finished each and every move he sought after to finish in that recreation, so it behooved Goff’s former crew to stay the ball clear of him. Too unhealthy LA’s Hank Scorpio of a head trainer overlooked to understand this. Down via a unmarried level with 4:15 left at the clock, and going through fourth-and-14 in Lions territory … the Rams punted. They fucking punted. People, it’s ever a good suggestion to punt the ball away overdue in a playoff recreation? LET’S ASK THE MACHINES.
Los Angeles would by no means get the ball again after that. Detroit would move onto the NFC name recreation, and might really well take in place of dwelling there for years yet to come. Who’s the booger-eater who referred to as that goddamn punt?
Your trainer: DUHHHHHHHHHHHHH…
That’s Sean McVay, who was once natural magnificence after gifting a Wild Card victory to his previous protégé. For the desried impact, please believe Adele making a song the next quote as you stare longingly from your bed room window on a wet day:
Jared was once in point of fact environment friendly. It’s worthwhile to see the command that he has. There is a lot fabricated from it, however I am in point of fact glad for him. We needed to return away with a win, however he is accomplished a perfect task.
Sean is excited for you, Jared. You’ve your individual lifestyles now, and Sean is simply (gritting his enamel till they spark) extremely joyful that you just’ve discovered true happiness. Why, he simply drank a take care of of Beam the opposite evening to have fun your newfound fortune! Coaches like Sean McVay don’t even know what happiness is. The idea that of it needs to be defined to them thru intensive movie breakdowns of adolescence birthday events.
Over on protection, Raheem Morris left his coordinator put up to train the Falcons. His substitute is Chris Shula. That’s proper: we’ve a wholly new technology of Shula failsons to deal with. This one seems like Don Shula’s headshot getting run thru a Xerox gadget 56 instances:
Sean McVay is the grandson of NFL royalty. Chris Shula could also be the grandson of NFL royalty. And proprietor Stan Kroenke is married into the Walmart fortune. Has any person who works for this group ever EARNED the rest? All of those other folks have been born at the fucking purpose line. It’s like cheering for the Bush dynasty at this level.
Your quarterback: Matthew Stafford, who’ll guy the helm right here till he loses extra extremities than a leprosy sufferer. Stafford were given his contract remodeled this offseason, however the Rams are handiest at the hook for $15M of it come 2025. Did they draft a QB this spring to arrange a succession plan? They positive didn’t! No, as a substitute they introduced in former gentle nemesis Jimmy Garoppolo, who were given so bored amassing uncommon accidents that he made up our minds to get suspended for PEDs to begin this season as a substitute. At the back of Jimmy G is second-year guy Stetson Bennett, who seems to nonetheless be ingesting:
Kelly Stafford is simply any other white girl.
What’s new that sucks: Not more Aaron Donald. The best defensive take on in league historical past retired this offseason, so the Rams drafted part the Florida State defensive entrance (EDGE Jared Verse, DT Braden Fiske) to assist in making up the adaptation. In addition they dipped into unfastened company to clutch CB Darious Williams, S Kamren Curl, and previous Expenses standout CB Tre’Davious White. White has ignored two dozen video games previously two seasons on my own, and Curl’s Commanders, via no small margin, had the worst move protection within the league a 12 months in the past. Just right factor the Rams’ department isn’t flush with top-tier wideouts like Deebo Samuel, Brandon Aiyuk, D.Ok. Metcalf, Tyler Lockett, and Marvin Harrison Jr. Another way they’d be fucked with surfboard!
Over on offense, the Rams beefed up their inner line via signing G Jonah Jackson clear of Detroit to pair with mauler Kevin Dotson at the different facet. Then they drafted bellcow Michigan RB Blake Corum to enroll in Kyren Williams within the backfield. That is now a run-first offense presided over via a head trainer who fucking hates operating the ball. Recall to mind all of the punts that McSchottenheimer can name overdue in video games now! And all the display passes that he’ll by no means name (no crew threw to its backs not up to the Rams a 12 months in the past)! Gaze in broad marvel at a wideout corps that is composed of an growing old Cooper Kupp, Puka Nacua, and part a pack of cigarettes! Drop your pants and fly your boner flag top as you watch outsized unfastened agent TE Colby Parkinson get in numerous chip blocks! This offense is set to ship out extra blended alerts than your seventh grade overwhelm.
And when you assume that remaining 12 months’s playoff run was once a positive indicator that those Rams are on the upward thrust, let’s have Bryan Knowles of the FTN Almanac throw some chilly water on that perception:
The Rams, along side the Packers and Giants, joined a listing of 31 groups since 2010 who noticed their offensive DVOA leap via a minimum of 20% over the again part of the season—groups that completed the 12 months sizzling and regarded to proceed that momentum into the following season. Maximum met with unhappiness. The ones earlier 28 groups noticed their offensive DVOAs drop a mean of three.5% the following season.
Sure, however did any of the ones different fluke groups make use of Paul Brown’s uncle’s brother’s nephew’s former roommate? I. Don’t. Assume. So.
The brand new kicker is dogshit.
What has all the time sucked: We at Defector have bashed Silicon Valley CEOs and satan buyers to the purpose of exhaustion. The entire whilst, the C-suite bros of SoCal have grown legion. All of them glance like Sean McVay, however possess 0.00001 p.c of his attraction and zero p.c of his application. Let’s meet a couple of of them. How about Javier Ferreira of Scopely, who turns your favourite board video games (Monopoly) into your least favourite cell video games (Monopoly GO)? Or Daniel Seah, whose Virtual Area is breaking new flooring on this planet of dogshit VFX in films? Or Will Ferrell personality Aurelian Lis, who runs a subsidiary of Unilever Status (sure that’s its actual identify) and seems like this?
With each and every film studio to this point in hawk that their CEOs need to consume Batgirl for sustenance, those are the folk poised to take over Hollywood this century and past. They all run slipshod outfits, have reviews about private well being that make Aaron Rodgers sound like a board qualified virologist, and would be the handiest individuals who reap a make the most of the 2028 Olympics. When they would like a big espresso, they order it, “at scale.” I really like L.A. like a moment house, however I will be able to shed 0 tears if the Pacific consumes it completely and takes Unilever Status with it.
SoFi continues to be too rattling a long way away and the general public transit there sucks. Kobe Bryant was once a rapist.
What would possibly now not suck: I noticed a tweet that mentioned 6th spherical WR Jordan Whittington has Nacua doable. As you understand, all tweets are legally binding. Elon advised me so.
HEAR IT FROM RAMS FANS!
Mike:
Stan Kroenke is to mustaches what Jerry Jones is to Civil Rights.
Matthew:
Our projected operating again duo is so damage vulnerable that I am already getting ready myself for numerous Boston Scott operating it up the intestine for one backyard. Drake Stoops isn’t going to be the following Cooper Kupp, everybody must loosen up with that. The ghost of Tre’Davious White goes to be so underwhelming. And this crew goes to be in deep shit when McVay leaves. We’re going to let him do the Aaron Rodgers dance for so long as he desires to, even supposing it is a torture chamber for the remainder of us.
Fuck SoFi Stadium’s inflated meals & beverage costs with a cheeseburger sub.
Mike:
I used to be out at the golfing path and ran into a man whose motive force had a Rams headcover. I sought after to speak with him concerning the crew, however he advised me that the one explanation why he had the pinnacle duvet was once as a result of if he misplaced it out at the path, no one was once going to swipe it.
If there may be any query about how dedicated to Los Angeles the Rams are, each and every participant I apply on social media took on Drake’s facet within the Kendrick Lamar red meat.
Jonathan:
Aaron Donald’s long gone. Fuck.
Since transferring to Los Angeles, the Rams have a 4-12 common season report towards the 49ers, and that is the reason together with a rubbish time B-team victory below Captain Tacticool. GM Les Snead concept he pulled a quick one this offseason via signing Jimmy Hotlips. Les’ principle mistakenly presupposed that Jimmy studied and retained the Niners’ playbook. Shaggy dog story’s on Les regardless that. If hooked as much as an EEG, Jimmy’s brainwaves would emit the flatline tone of a demise piccolo.
However whats up allegedly Stetson Bennett is out of rehab.
Lisa:
I take note when our WR pinnacle was once Sammy Watkins and Brandin Chefs. The post-Todd Gurley operating again room has incorporated luminous stars akin to Malcolm Brown, Cam Akers, and Darrell Henderson, operating at the back of an o-line of Whitworth, Havenstein, and 3 balloon animals.
Josh:
No person likes the Rams. And I do not imply that within the conventional, “The Rams haven’t any fanatics” approach. I imply that soccer fanatics in truth haven’t any explanation why to observe them. They hobby no one. None in their avid gamers have superstar standing regardless of being in fucking LA. Their one attention-grabbing narrative was once the All-In Crew of 2021. After that, nobody gave a shit.
Fuck Kerby Joseph and his BountyGate-Saints-Generation Head Trainer.
Submissions for the NFL previews are actually closed. Subsequent up: Pittsburgh Steelers
